From Real Social Dynamics Wiki
We've all heard the expression "big egos" or "there's too many egos in one room here" but it's only in the last few months that I've really understood what the word "EGO" actually means.
I won't get into a long diatribe here, but your ego is basically the sum of all your logical rationalizations for why you should feel confident.
It's your "story" of who you are.
See, being CONFIDENT and CONTENT is actually a DEFAULT STATE for human beings.
In the absence of being a wounded little bitch, you feel very content and confident.
Life is tough though, and as life hands you a few bumps and scrapes you come up with logical rationalizations for why you should feel confident.
It's pretty messed up, because why should you need a STORY to feel confident or content???
It's a DEFAULT STATE!!
Still, that's how it is for most people, and they're constricted by their big cumbersome egos.
Ever wonder why your buddies won't study how to be good with women??
It wouldn't align with their "story" of how cool they are.
Ever wonder why they won't approach women??
Again, being blown out wouldn't align with their "story" of how cool they are.
It's like a hot girl who gets denied entry from an exclusive club. She starts shreiking and freaking out because her story of "*I* can get access to whereever I want!!" is being messed with. It was a pillar in her reality, and once removed she becomes LESS confident than a girl who doesn't have even half of her looks.
That's the big bitch about dealing with people who have big egos.
They're rarely interacting with YOU. It's all about getting you to RESPOND to them in the way that they require in order to keep feeling like the person that they want to be. They're cool as long as they're being responded to in the way they need, but as soon as you go outside that boundary they get those anxious, hungry-eyes.
As you can imagine, girls are very turned off by this because in reality it should be THEM reacting to YOU.
It's an instinct that they feel --> an instinct of ATTRACTION or REPULSION, and a great deal of this comes from feeling that you cannot be controlled.
The need to feed the ego, more than anything, is a way that you're easily controlled in that respect.
It's a total buzz-kill to women.
If you're still interacting with people through a filter of feeding your ego, you've GOT to let it go.
Big egos are occasionally the cause of the dick-measuring contests you see in our humble community.
Are *you* the greatest POOOOO AHHHH???
Naw man, *I* am the greatest POOOO AHHH.
It doesn't matter if YOUR SKILL has no bearing on MY SKILL......
It doesn't matter that YOUR GIRLS have no bearing on MINE......
The fact that you EXIST fucks with my concept of how great I am ---> which fucks with me at a raw emotional level.
It's the same sort of thing in the world of business and finance........
Who's got the biggest business??? You???
OK, well it doesn't matter if it doesn't affect or change how much money *I* have. My concept of how cool I am involves having the "BEST" business which means that if somebody has more money than me then it fucks with me at a raw emotional level.
See, none of this stuff has to do with a person's personal happiness or quality of life.
It's all about that self-concept that they draw confidence from.
Think about this.......
Without your "story" of how cool you are, who would you be??
It's a tough question.
Of course, in reality this story is your greatest weakness. It fucks up your relationships and it fucks up your life.
Riddle me this........
What's the absolute WORST way to derive your sense of identity as a guy who wants to be good with women??
Think about it............
I'll tell you ---> It's a "PICK UP ARTIST".
Because getting girls means being 100% free of needing any outcome.
It means no "reaction seeking" or "approaching with an empty cup that needs to be filled".
When your sense of self is derived from being a "pick up artist" or "PUA" or "POOOO AHHHHH" you approach women always needing something.
See, you might not have "one-itis" or even want THAT PARTICULAR GIRL, but you DO want her validation that you're a good pickup artist.
There's only one type of guy on the planet who approaches a girl that he ISN'T EVEN ATTRACTED TO and yet still experiences approach anxiety and neediness, and that's a "pick up artist".
He doesn't care about the girl, sure..... But he DOES need her to validate his identity.
I've learned to downplay my own skills over the years because I find that the more I "self-aggrandize" myself, the more nervous I get to do demonstrations for students or the press.
It's not uncommon that when a guru gets status that he gets too scared to do approaches in front of students, and that has a lot to do with preserving the whole ridiculous "story of who you are" ---> aka the "ego".
Anyway, this is a call out against self-aggrandizing, and a call to find your identity in something that's core to YOU.
More than anything, it's a call back to that old SELF-ESTEEM that you had back when you were a kid, and you interacted with girls based on your similarities and common humanity with them, instead of trying to be "higher value" or "one up".
Believe it or not (and you must TRY this to really know), when you can approach girls with total comfort because you know that you're a part of the same tribe (ie: humanity) it conveys such an "at ease with the world" confidence in yourself that they often become attracted.
At least, so the theory goes...
Or as Tyler Durden would say "It's only after we've lost EVERYTHING that we're free to do ANYTHING."
Does this make sense? Give it some thought.
That's it for today.
Much love and respect to all!!