Building Your Social Circle: A Total Moron's Field Guide

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A few threads here have cropped up regarding social circle. Some people like to get down on social circle "game", dismissing it out-of-hand because it's not "pure" pickup, or because cold approaches are "the only true way". I will respectfully disagree, because although cold approaches are great and everyone should be able to do them, I feel that the zealous fervor with which some people defend cold approaching is a bit off-base. We're all here for different reasons. My reason is simple: I want to enjoy the company of more women. I'm not concerned with the source of them so long as they meet my standards.

This is important because for the longest time I looked at the pickup process like so many MMO-RPGS. You know, the ones where you grind away at a character, relentlessly improving him by getting phat new loot and killing bigger dragons ad nausem. Then I realized that life doesn't work that way. I realized that every time I went out at night with the VERY strong intent of meeting women and "doing approaches", I clammed up and wouldn't open for the life of me. If I may say so, I'm usually very outgoing, friendly and...gasp...charismatic. As soon as I got the predatory, "I'm going to DO APPROACHES" look in my eyes, the entire night was a bust. I felt too needy and I telegraphed it in all my actions.

Then I stopped going out entirely. Between having to change my lifestyle, find work (which I did), and just no longer feeling like I was making progress, I decided to take a break. I was obsessed. During this time, I got real depressed, real sad. I ate a lot of cookies and ice cream, but eventually I got work - GREAT work. I joined the gym recently. And I made a resolution to build my social circle to the point that iCal would one day just up and crash on my computer as a result of TOO MANY APPOINTMENTS. Notice that nowhere there did I say anything about women? Yeah, that's just not a "goal" of mine right now.

I know a lot of people advocate having a strong goal of "MEET WOMEN SLEEP WITH WOMEN", but I feel that it is just not organic. What do I mean by that? Most of the guys I know outside this community do not think that way. They're not constantly self-analyzing, trying to figure out what went wrong, thinking "OK, tonight I'm going to DO APPROACHES!" They are just good people living fairly normal lives. Everything they do is authentic. It's not like they're doing what some book told them to do. In other words, they're normal.

The bottom line is, some people just got lucky and were born with an innate sense of building a social circle. Some people like me were not so gifted. Don't lament this if you're on the same side of the coin as I am - this is just another skill you will have to learn. Some people just have a natural tendency towards certain things. Mozart was born with an innate understanding of music. That doesn't mean that if you were not, you can never be a great composer. The baroque and classical eras turned out a great number of successful composers by teaching them, not because there were an inordinate number of musical geniuses born in those few hundred years.

The good news is that it's not hard to learn. You have to have a certain level of competency for dealing with other people, which is not something I will cover, but if you can hold a 5 minute conversation with someone and leave them smiling, that's all you need to do.

STEP ZERO: You probably have a cell phone like I do. If not, you should. The first thing I want you to do is look at your phone list and make note of everyone around your age, around your area. For some people this will be 3 or 4 people. For some, it might be ONE. For some, it might be hundreds. It doesn't matter. What we're going to do here is leverage the multiplier effect of networking. The initial number only impacts how many iterations you need to do.

STEP ONE: Pick up your phone and text message everyone on that list. Your message should be short, and it should either suggest something to do, or that you and that person should meet up. Male or female, it should be non-sexual. Your goal here is to make a network, not get a quick lay. Unless I have a specific activity I know the person would like, or that we do together, I usually just suggest drinks or lunch or dinner. I'll often remark that I haven't seen them in a while. Not all of them will reply, not all will want to make plans, etc. You need to repeat this step, along with the next, until you start hanging out with people.

STEP TWO: ALWAYS BE CLOSING! No, I don't mean you should fuck the guy in the next cubicle at work. I mean that every single time, and I MEAN...EVERY SINGLE TIME, you meet someone new and spend any time with them (more than like 30 minutes or so?), close them. Get their info. Make sure they have yours. Make what I call "vague future plans". You know these. "We'll have to hang out soon!" "Yeah, we'll definitely check out that exhibit like you said." This is just good sales technique because it puts you and them on the same page. You want to hang out, so you show them that it's OK that they want to hang out as well. It takes the pressure off. Where do you MEET new people though? Well...I'll get there. This section is for things like work, birthday parties, etc.

So now you're in the habit of getting contact info from everyone you meet. Naturally, many of these people will be in your area and around your age. Where did we see that phrase? Right! In step one. So now you're also in the habit of periodically messaging or calling everyone in your area around your age, and you're slowly building up that list. This is how it starts to catalyze itself.

STEP THREE: Make plans like a madman. I'd say that unless you're really lucky, or good, a lot of your plans will fall through. That's normal. People are stupid, forgetful, and ignorant. Just have enough going on that any given plan falling through is not a big deal. We have to get to that level, so just make many plans. They don't have to be big plans, or even very good plans. The idea is that you are a) out of your house and/or b) with other people. So now you've texted or called everyone on "the list" and made plans with some of them. GO TO THOSE EVENTS YOU PLANNED. Don't bail. This relates to...

STEP THREE POINT FIVE: Accept plans religiously. This is almost the "big secret" to social networking. Say yes as MUCH as you can. If you say no, do so for a good reason. I will always decline plans on a week night that would keep me up past 11pm because I get up at 5 or 6 am some mornings. This is etched in stone because my health and my job are very important to me these days. I will always tell the person why I am declining and ensure them that "we should hang out this weekend or something instead". You have NO IDEA how much this helps. In High School I found out that I didn't get invited to a lot of things with some of my friends because "I usually didn't want to come anyway." I was always the guy who didn't feel like it. That's different from being busy; being busy means that you'd love to but cannot. Not wanting to means your a fucking lame-ass. Say yes to everything unless you are actually afraid for your safety.

STEP FOUR - GENESIS: Be the person who comes up with shit to do. It's wonderful when your friends come up with shit to do, but if you're the one making the plans, you're "the man". Remember, rule three point five says you still have to say yes to just about everything, but when you're not doing stuff that friends come up with, do stuff yourself. Invite people out to a bar or restaurant, or have people over to watch "the game". Whatever it is, you're the focal point, not a hanger-on. This is the same as "giving value". People who just go to other people's events a lot can get by just fine, but they will never reach the stratosphere of social networking. You have to be the genesis of activities sometimes.

BRINGING IT ALL HOME: So here are our pillars - Contact people regularly, Always get contact info from new people you meet, Constantly make plans, Always say yes, and Generate activities. I think by now you should be able to see where I'm going with this. Lets say you have 3 friends. How many people do THEY know? Lets just say that your 3 friends all know 3 different people themselves. And those 3*3 people all know 3 people. That's 3+9+27, 39 people in total. Maybe that doesn't sound like a lot, but it only takes 25% of those people wanting to hang out in a given week to totally book your schedule if you work a normal 40 hour work week. So you see, it doesn't actually take THAT much work to get there. It's just a matter of following the rules and making them into good habits. What if we take it one level deeper? This is where it starts getting insane: those 27 people each knowing 3 people rockets up to an additional 81 people, putting your total at 120. You may not like some of them, some may be flakey, some may move out of state, etc. With 120 people, it doesn't take but 10% of them to want to hang out with you to book you solid. You see how quickly it catalyzes itself?

I want everyone to notice that up until now I have not said one word about getting girls. Gender is irrelevant because eventually you will have many of both gender of friends. Having female friends you don't fuck is a good thing. A girl I met recently explained to me that she's an excellent wing without me even asking. Why? Because I invited her to do shit. It's that easy. If a girl like that, who you have never fucked, likes you, she can and WILL help you get other women. Never mind the social proof of having women in your group when you go out.

This entire system just plays the odds. With that many women in your social circle, you will almost assuredly have many for whom you have whet their appetite. I specifically "tone down" the pickup shit when I'm doing social circle stuff because honestly, it's all a little weird. Social circle game is easy. When I'm "working it" with the women in my circle, I am a vicious merciless flirt and I make gratuitous use of The Claw. The Claw is fantastic in social circle flirtation. Since you're "in" the circle you're not dangerous, so the Claw has room to work. Use it, love it. It works. Be physically dominating, but don't go overboard. I seem to have a knack for being physically dominating but at the same time keeping it very gentle. Example: Last night I picked a girl up off her feet quite swiftly, but then very gently laid her down across my lap. If you're gentle while being dominating, that's mind-blowingly sexy.

You really want to melt the brains of the women and men in your Circle? Do cold approaches while you're with them. People somehow think this is the coolest shit on the planet, and will heretofore regard you as some manner of super hero.

This is not meant to replace cold approaching entirely, but I can guarantee that it will make your whole game far far tighter. When you're at a bar or lounge and have a woman on either side of you, in your arms, then you can try telling me about "approach anxiety".

Talk to everyone you know. Make plans with everyone you know. Meet everyone that THEY know. Make plans with them and talk to them. Make plans yourself and invite everyone you know to them. Next time, have them invite everyone they know. Hire a personal assistant because you'll have more plans than there are hours in the day. Good luck.

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