Deep, Identity-Level Change

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I'm sitting here at my house, on the back deck, watching the cats chase each other around the yard. It's another nice day in San Francisco, and I ain't got nothing to do but drink a Corona and reflect on what a crazy journey it's been these past few years.

Flying around the world picking up girls. Smashed windshields and slashed tires. Threesomes, threesomes, threesomes.

And to think three years ago I was just a mild-mannered chump, like the majority of guys out there.

It's ridiculous, if you think about it, how in the span of just a few short years I've completely changed my identity from that of a loser with little or no skill at picking up women... to that of a loser with lots of skill at picking up women.

Haaa, just kidding, you know I'm a champ. But this got me to thinking (I know, alarms going off) about the concept of IDENTITY and how crucial it is to your success in this game.

To give you an example of what I mean, let me describe something I experienced when I first started instructing at the RSD live programs.

After I completed the grueling training program to become an Executive Coach, I began running my own bootcamps here in San Francisco. And it didn't take long for me to become completely comfortable in my new role as a "pickup guru," if you will (ugh I hate that term).

It was then that I started to notice a strange phenomenon.

I keep meticulous records of all my exploits, because in spite of it all, I still think that love is a special and magical thing and I want to remember every girl I get with, even when they number in the hundreds and hundreds. So I'm looking at my score sheet one day, and I realized that since I started doing the programs, I'd been getting laid EXCLUSIVELY while on program.

Like, I'd go out on my own time, and I'd just drink with my buddies, and make the occassional halfhearted pickup attempt, and get a couple of phone numbers.

But on the program, all of a sudden there's a fire under my ass. I'm standing in the middle of the club screaming, "I'll make out with any chick in here!! JUST POINT!!!" I'm running around with chicks thrown over my shoulder, I'm pulling back to Club Jeffy every single night. It's ridiculous.

It got to the point where I felt I couldn't pick up UNLESS I was on workshop.

Absurd, I know. But as I thought about it some more, it started to make sense.

This was related to the concept of IDENTITY.

What happened was this: when I was out on "my own time," I was just me, Jeffy, a regular guy with some pickup game, but there was no PRESSURE for me to do anything but drink and shoot the breeze with my homeboys.

On program, however, my identity changed to that of jlaix, PICK UP INSTRUCTOR, this monster badass with students who took his every word for gospel. A guy who MUST pick up chicks and pull off insane moves.

Side note: I would never tell a student to take everything I say to be absolute. All of the Executive Coaches, despite being very good at what they do, are just individual guys. We tell you what works for us, and you take what you like and discard what you don't.

Remember the old adage, "Follow those who seek the truth, run from those who claim to have found it."

Anyway, with that IDENTITY of pickup teacher firmly in place, of course it's inevitable that I would achieve incredible success.

Since realizing this, I've put the power of identity to work FOR me. Now, even when I'm not on program, I harness that identity when I'm out approaching girls.

I told you this story to illustrate exactly how powerful identity can be, and how you can take advantage of it to boost your own game.

Your identity and your behavior influence one another. In some ways, it's a case of "the chicken and the egg"... which comes first? Looking back at my own experience, when I first started this trip, I began thinking of myself as a "player" before I had the actual skills.

In fact, my freshman year in the game was largely spent re-engineering my identity.

So what, exactly, is your identity?

Your identity consists of the following things: your beliefs, your values, goals, etc.

Ask yourself this:

What do you believe?

What do you like?

What do you dislike?

What will you tolerate from others?

What do you want out of life?

What do you deserve?

If you can answer these questions immediately and with conviction, you have a strong identity. However, if that identity is one laden with negative, self-limiting beliefs, you are bound to fail, time and time again.

So, how did I go about transforming my identity from that of a chump into that of a champ?

It certainly wasn't easy. I'll tell you one thing, it didn't involve sitting in front of a mirror doing affirmations. Not by a long shot. The closest I ever came to anything like that was taping a small list of beliefs to the inside of the medicine cabinet. It was printed with this:

1. I move through this world without apology.

2. I make no excuses for my desires as a man.

3. Women are a dime a dozen, I don't need any particular one.

4. Rejection is a good thing, I learn something every time.

5. Behave as though these are true, even if your emotions mislead you.

Great stuff, sure, but the fact of the matter is, these "notes" just led me in the right direction. I could sit there at the medicine cabinet and read those all day and it wouldn't do a damn thing. No, I had to get out in the field and start PRACTICING making those statements reality.

I started going out to the clubs several times per week, with my new persona firmly implanted in my head. Of course, at first I wasn't very congruent with it, but over time I began to take on the characteristics of a real-life, bona fide player.

Like, I started going to the badass clubs that used to intimidate me. I started wearing the threads of a player, I started ACTING like one. Then, after I'd been doing all of this for a long time, I realized that it was WHO I AM.

If you begin with the end in mind, and are dedicated, you too can transform your identity from a limiting one to an empowering one.

In other words: fake it 'till you make it.

You need to start DOING, and then you will BECOME.

Have you ever joined a gym or taken a dance class? When you first walk in, you see all the advanced people, and it's maybe a little bit intimdating.

They move about effortlessly, doing things you couldn't do if your life depended on it. But over time, your skill improves, until you eventually BECOME one of those people.

This means expanding your ceiling, progressively desensitizing yourself.

A typical sequence might look like this:

learning to hold eye contact.

Saying hi to random people.

Holding brief conversations.

Being more assertive.

Starting to inject flirtatious humor.

Using more vocal resonance and expression.

Taking up more space.

Beginning to interact physically.

Starting to CONTROL the conversations.

Getting comfortable with being the center of attention.

Going to cooler places, wearing cooler clothes than you're usually accustomed to.

Cutting off people's threads, breaking rapport with people.

And finally, pulling the trigger and escalating.

The thing is, a lot of guys think that "player" is something you "do". This is incorrect.

It is something you ARE.

Fake it 'till you make it. Once you start to become a player, the behaviors will follow naturally as a consequence.

On another note, I think people can sometimes take the concept of identity to unhealthy extremes. Like in the example I gave above where I became so wrapped up with the "guru" identity that I couldn't pick up in a situation outside of that context.

It is true that to succeed in this area you need a strong identity. But be careful that your identity doesn't become completely wrapped up in pickup.

Know who you are OUTSIDE of the game, and become fully congruent with that, then learn to convey that identity to the girls. That is what will bring you success.

Remember: game is your expression of inner state, conveyed by the rhythms you use to direct the energy of the interaction. The key phrase here being "the expression of inner state."

With that in mind, I'd advise you to start getting involved with interesting things to make your core persona more interesting.

Sitting around at your parents' house without a job playing Warcraft all day is NOT going to make you an attractive, interesting person, it is going to make you a GEEK.

Think about stuff you always wanted to do, that you thought would be cool, but you never got around to. Maybe it's time to go for it.

Because ultimately, if you don't do anything interesting, there's no way you're going to magically transform your identity into this awesome, positive thing and become desireable.

You have to start doing cool stuff.

Okay, food time again. I'm thinkin' chicken salad. Cluck cluck.

See ya later.

Sincerely,

Jlaix

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