Frame Bridging

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This is something which I realized is a big part of every social interaction I have. I never really realized that I did it until yesterday, when I had a huge epiphany.

Basically, Frame Bridging is how you are able to suck other people who have strong frames into your own frame. In the community, it's called calibration, but frame bridging is a little bit different.

Calibration is more of state bridging than frame bridging. You see what the state of the girl is, and try to meet her halfway so as not to freak her out.

Frame Bridging is different. Frame Bridging is not a technique, in which you try to trick the person into becoming a better mood. It is rather, a way of understanding their frame, and through understanding allow them into your OWN frame.

Let me give an example. A lot of guys on here seem to have problems with people who used to tool on them not buying into their new 'Cool guy' frame, and still framing them as a tool. The typical RSD advice would be to 'Keep Your Frame', and eventually they'll come around. However, this technique of straight out frame control only works for people who have a very weak frame, for people with strong frames it often becomes a battle of crashing frames, with neither of the people willing to give up their frame. The solution to this is frame bridging.

I had this very same scenario happen to me today. I was talking about going to a club with my friends and this kid comes up and says something to the effect of 'What club is that, club bullshit?'. It barely even entered my reality, I automatically dismissed it with a quick 'okay' then immediately went back into the conversation. For maybe 70-90% of guys out there, that would have been enough to frame control them, and make them realize that I was a different person. But this kid had a strong frame, and just kept going. After keeping my frame a few times, but not being able to frame control him, I decided that I would need to Bridge his Frame to mine. The first thing needed was to understand his frame. This means take your ego out of the equation, no matter how off base thier perception is, you have to be able to understand their frame. In his frame, I was a loser, trying to act cool. This was annoying to him, and he wanted to put me in my place. Okay, now I understood his frame. So I have to what is different from his frame to my frame. The difference is that in my frame I answer and cater to no one, and just try follow my values. I now had to find a way to bridge his frame to my frame. way this is done is different for every situation, but once you truly understand the other persons frame, the answer will present itself. The way I did it was just to get out of that conversation and go to a completely different conversation, get away from his attempts to AMOG, just being myself like always. His frame 'he's trying to impress people' now gets shattered. 'Wait I'm cool, but he's not trying to cater or answer to me, he's just being himself'... Which is exactly what my frame is. and If your wondering, when I went back to that conversation, he respected me as his equal.

So the general steps for frame bridging are:

1.Truly understand their frame, without letting ego get into the equation. 2.Find the differences between frames. 3.Bridge the frame using the answer which presents itself based on your understanding in #1.

So that's it, the way to 'frame control' people with strong frames. Use it well.


Question:

Yea more examples please.

How can you be so sure that your "understanding" of his frame is not just your illusion?


Thanks HF


Answer:

Okay. This example was from when my coach put my on the JV team. First thing I did was go to him and say, 'Coach, I should be on varsity, I'm just as good if not better than most of the guys on there.' He said he'd see based on my performance in JV. I was by far the best kid on the JV team, but when the JV coach went to talk to the Varsity Coach, I still wasn't put on varsity. So straight up frame control wasn't going to work, I was going to have to try frame bridging. So now I needed to truly understand his frame. I had to let my ego go. My ego was saying 'He doesn't think your good enough'. But I had to let it go. His actual frame was that I was a senior, and so I wouldn't have enough time to become a starter, and having me was just a drag to the team with no benifit. Notice, the difference here was not that I thought I was good and he didn't, it was that he was worried about the impact on the team and I was worried about my ability as a player.

Previously, before I had an understanding of his frame, I had just been doing my best during the JV practices, because I thought that's what he was looking for. But, through my understanding of his frame, I came to realize that this wasn't good enough. The bridge that I came up with was to ask him if I could practice a few times with Varsity. I focused not on making goals, but on helping with plays, meshing with the team, and yah, scoring when I had the chance. I'm now on varsity .

And to answer your question, You know that it's not an illusion because it's something that you would never come up with on your own, it's a completely different perspective. Additionally, people with strong frames are easier to figure out, and those are the people who this technique is used on.

Hopefully that clears things up.


Question:

You mean just cut the thread and talk about something else?



No, it wasn't cutting a thread. It was literally leaving the conversation and going to a seperate group of people, and chillin with them. Cutting the thread would have not changed his frame, as he would have still seen it as me the loser trying to be a cool guy. Through understanding the frame, I saw that the only way I would get him to see my frame (and consequently stop ruining the conversation) was by actually leaving the context through which he was basing his frame. The actual solution to acheive the bridge is based on the original understanding of their frame, and is not the same for every situation. Check out the Sports team example above to see what I mean.


Question:

Okay, I think I understand. Clarify me this, though. Empathy in frame control is key, but by what principles was he drawn into your frame? If it's what I think it is, in communication science, this is called coersive power. Generally, used by women to use their emotional leverage get their husbands to do what they want. I do the same to get girls to call me back.

ie. Me and girl have a great time. I call her. we chat or maybe hook up once (most likely I fuck her if I see her). Because of conflicts of schedule, anxiety, or whatever we play phone tag or she fails to return my calls. After a call or two where I tell her to call me back I never call her again (or tell her, this is my last call. I'm never calling you again--leaving the ball in her court) The purpose is that I know my value and understand that people get busy and shit happens. I know she knows how cool I am. Sometimes she just needs time to work things out in her head. I coersively, stop pursuing (changing frames) and now she is at a fear of loss of me. So, because women's lives are based on finding love, she is coersively forced to call me back to meet up. This is solid and pretty advanced by the way.


Answer:

Exactly, you're thinking in terms of their frame, but acting in terms of your frame, so they are drawn into your frame.

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