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Real Social Dynamics Wiki - How I Dropped Social Inhibition Overnight

How I Dropped Social Inhibition Overnight

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So what was still holding me back...I think of was the fear of people seeing what I was doing. Like I was doing something I wasn't supposed to and I might get caught.

I think the main fear was not of getting "blown out," but that I would become nervous and incongruent. Because that would contradict the opinion that I have of myself. So I was afraid I'd become nervous, so I became nervous...

Affirmations like, "Everyone likes me; All women are attracted to me..." They didn't work, because I knew that they weren't necessarily true. So using them actually had the effect of reminding myself that they WEREN'T true. And they made me afraid that reality might prove me wrong, which of course was a possibility; I can't guarantee how another person will act.

So I decided: I'm going to be friendly to everyone, and say hi to cute girls wherever I see them, because that's what I do. I am a person who does those things, who acts like that. I WANT EVERYONE TO SEE.

"This is what I do, and I want everyone to see" was a big thing for me, because my fear seemed to be not of the girl, but of what other people watching would think.

So I decided: "I like talking to girls. I approach girls at every opportunity. I'm the kind of guy who does that. I WANT EVERYONE TO SEE THAT THAT IS THE KIND OF PERSON I AM." That allows me to be totally unselfconscious. Trying to play it cool, to go under the radar, wanting to make it seem all casual like it was an accident...was TERRIBLE for me. Now, if I want to talk to a girl, I walk directly up to her in plain view of everyone and say what's up.

Another thing that helps, especially to get going at first, is to think of the WORST POSSIBLE thing that could happen, and decide, "Yes, let it happen. Let them think that. That's what I WANT to do. It'll be hilarious!"

I decided; I am friendly. Before, I'd try to say hi to strangers...and I'd chicken out. Like I was afraid I wouldn't be able to "pull it off," that I'd come across wrong and they'd think I'm weird, gay, whatever. So I decided I'm going to do it because it's what I do. And then the concern about outcome just vanishes. It doesn't matter what they do; I'm going to do what I do because it's what I do, and I want everyone to know. Then "doing it right" isn't an issue. "Being congruent" isn't an issue. I just do it.

One of my biggest limiting beliefs was that I had to be in a special state. That I had to be super-entertaining or whatever. But you don't come home to your family, or see friends, and think, "I'm not in the right state," and then avoid EC and don't talk to them. I'm actually getting it into my head that it's WEIRD to be around people and NOT interact with them. To NOT say hi to people.

If I start making myself nervous will all kinds of thoughts...Usually I'd think more in order to try to solve it. But that only made me more nervous. Now, I remember that it doesn't matter how I feel. I stop thinking--just stop--and start acting. Continue doing what I do, because I now know what that is and how I do it. No thought is required.

So I just started being friendly to EVERYONE, all day long. After the first...half day of this, I realized: you CAN just be friendly to everyone. You CAN just talk to anyone. It's the easiest damn thing in the world! You don't have to do anything fancy. "What's up. How are you doing?" It's that easy. And because I'm doing it because I decided that it's just what I do, I'm not doing for an outcome. They sense that, which is why it works.

I'm learning how to have conversations...get the book Conversationally Speaking by Alan Garner. It'll make you feel like an idiot for not realizing how absurdly easy it is to have a conversation with anyone.

Being friendly is the way to be. Improves your quality of life tremendously. I've been changing constantly my entire life...but this is the biggest change I've ever made, and it happened overnight. This social inhibition that I always hated and have been struggling against my entire life...gone.

[1] Original thread

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