LR: An ode to J-to-the-laix...

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'sgo, 'sgo, 'sgo.

I didn't realise how powerful those 3 letters were until today.


At an Irish pub sinking a few beers in the blazing Melbourne sun this summer afternoon.

2 blonde HB's arrive over my left shoulder and give me the eye. My boys are into me already, "Jedi, open em". Pressure. Fuck it.

I sack up after i finish my beer (no-one tells me when to approach, unless it's Tyler of course).

"Ladies, you look like you need some male protection". Chode had already bailed them up and had gone to the bar,..... actually gone for the day now.

"haha, yeah, sit down, please" (Game over).

Right, Jedi vs 2 chicks. Chode blown out and forms a crystal with his mates on an adjacent table. Done.

So it takes my mates another 30mins to sack up and wing my set. By now i've already worked the magic. Emotional connection established, the term 'chode' defined to them, giggles all around.

OK, let's cut to the chase. We all know what's about to go down. I'm like: "Girls, my apartment is 2 blocks away. Come back, take a shower, get ready for tonight, and i'll drive you back into the city when i have to DJ". All true. It's 7pm on a Sat night, it's not meant to happen this way, but fuck it.

Jedi: "sgo, sgo, sgo". "Girls, we are going NOW". Dominant as fuck. Demanding they follow the alpha male.

They start consulting. I take away. The one i wanna bang chases after me "Jedi, i really wanna come back, but my friend wants to go home".

Me: "You're the leader here right?! I mean, she listens to you, you're the boss. TELL her that you are both coming to mine, no questions asked". Dominant. Leading frame. She has no choice but to comply.

Bang, claws on as we walk. Make out 2 mins into the walk. She tells me "Fuck you're hot, i'm wet and i just wanna fuck you now".

Jedi: "Patience girl, we still have 3 more blocks".

My mate has choded a bit. Other girl comes over. Now i have 2 of them clawed, one on each arm as we are bounding up the hill. Not far now i tell them. They've been good and will be rewarded.

Right, into the apartment. I grab 2 towels and push the girls into my bathroom. While one is on the toilet i wall slam the other and re-commence makeout. The friend chickens out again. I'm like "Right, come with me".

Take both into my bedroom and bring my mate in. He needs to occupy one now. Door closed. They won't be getting out alive.

Hands down knickers, hand on my c0ck, game over. Nailing mine to the wall while my friend is laughing. He starts on his. I get him the lay, the condom and my double bed. I yell out "that's the type of mate i am" as i'm ramming her Pat Bateman-style into the corner of my room. It's 7:35pm.

This stuff never used to happen.

Cheers Jeffy ...

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