Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/rsdwiki/public_html/includes/Parser.php on line 3567

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/rsdwiki/public_html/includes/Parser.php on line 3570

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/rsdwiki/public_html/includes/Parser.php on line 3567

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/rsdwiki/public_html/includes/Parser.php on line 3570

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/rsdwiki/public_html/includes/Parser.php on line 3567

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/rsdwiki/public_html/includes/Parser.php on line 3570

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/rsdwiki/public_html/includes/Parser.php on line 3567

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/rsdwiki/public_html/includes/Parser.php on line 3570

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/rsdwiki/public_html/includes/Parser.php on line 3567

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/rsdwiki/public_html/includes/Parser.php on line 3570

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/rsdwiki/public_html/includes/Parser.php on line 3567

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/rsdwiki/public_html/includes/Parser.php on line 3570

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/rsdwiki/public_html/includes/Parser.php on line 3567

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/rsdwiki/public_html/includes/Parser.php on line 3570

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/rsdwiki/public_html/includes/Parser.php on line 3567

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/rsdwiki/public_html/includes/Parser.php on line 3570

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/rsdwiki/public_html/includes/Parser.php on line 3567

Deprecated: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is deprecated, use preg_replace_callback instead in /home/rsdwiki/public_html/includes/Parser.php on line 3570
Real Social Dynamics Wiki - Making Connections: Commonalities and Differences.

Making Connections: Commonalities and Differences.

From Real Social Dynamics Wiki

Jump to: navigation, search

Contents

[edit] Making Connections: Commonalities and Differences.

One of the biggest misconceptions when it comes to dealing with girls (and people in general) is that you need to find "commonalities" in order to have a good connection. This is true in that you two have a shared reality. You can empathize with eachother based on a common experience.

[edit] Commonalities:

Typically there are a few ways that you can connect through commonalities. The simplest way being shared experiences/content.

[edit] Shared Experience:


Yea actually I'm originally from Plainsville.

Oh wow, I grew up in Plainsville...Dude did you know Ryan Shaw?

OMG me and Ryan used to hang out like ALL the time... what a doofus


Basically just fluff talk. Talking about a common topic that's "safe" because both of you know about it. A little bit deeper and more sophisticated way is to talk about emotional commonalities.

[edit] Shared Emotions:


I LOVE drawing. Like, it's the only thing I can do and not have to think about the world. Even though it's like an individual thing, I feel like showing my drawings to other people can actually make us CLOSER, ya know?

Yea. That's like exactly the same way I feel about wrestling. It's like an individual thing, but because it's such an intense activity, there's like an immediate bond just watching somebody wrestle

Yea that's exactly it, it's like they can understand you.


This creates a very interesting connection. Shared emotional experiences can carry a lot of weight. The final way to connect on commonalities is the most hard to spot, but it's all the most frequent basis for connection. Connecting based on paradigms and beliefs.

[edit] Shared Worldview:


I can't STAND him. He just seems to take everything so seriously.

Yeah it's kinda ridiculous... people should just lighten up.



This final type of commonality is something we often do without even realizing it. We choose to talk to people who look like us. We don't go to that party because it's gonna be a bunch of "stuck up conservative snobs", or maybe just a bunch of "left wing liberal hippies". We tend to gravitate towards people who are like us.

The traditional thinking has been that this is how you connect with people. You find similarities, and then talk about them. But look at those conversations, the common thread between all of them is that they're all pretty much verbal masturbation. I get to talk about myself, which allows you an opportunity to talk about yourself, and that gives me an opportunity to talk about myself.

MUCH more powerful is to connect based on differences. For differences, the same categories still apply.

[edit] Differences

You can connect based on different experiences:

[edit] New Experiences:


one of the things I used to LOVE was going fishing with my dad. It was awesome.

Oh really? Never been fishing. Sounds like you really loved it tho.

Yea, just loved the calmness of it all, ya know? Like I had nothing in the world to worry about.

It was one of the few times you could really feel at peace.

It wasn't that really. well that was part of it, but actually it was one of the only times that I really got to spend time with my dad.

So it wasn't the fishing so much as it was just the experience of being there with your dad.

Exactly. You ever do anything like that with your dad?


As you can see this can bring surface level interactions to a MUCH deeper place. Instead of just verbally masturbating and affirming eachother's reality. I'm actually expanding my understanding of her. She see's this, and is giving me an opportunity to do the same for her.

Likewise, you can connect on emotional differences.

[edit] Conflicting Emotions:


Yea... I totally hate math.

Hahaha WHYYY. Math is AWWESOME.

You really enjoy it huh?

Yea, it's FREAKIN fun!

You enjoy the brain puzzles and stuff?

Hahaha NOO. I dunno... it just allows me to understand things better

You like being able to make sense of what's going on around you.

Sorta I guess. It's more like... Well... I like the fact that you can take something COMPLETELY from nature, like a flower, and explain how it grows USING MATH.

So you think it's cool that math can actually model how the universe works.

No. It's more like I like the fact that we can create a system to explain something that has NOTHING TO DO with math.

So it's like... math is just a way to understand things better.

YEA!

Yea that's cool... never thought about it that way.


Few things about this example. Notice that the conclusion I arrived at was the exact same thing she said in the first place. The difference is that when she first said it, I was too scripted in my own belief about what math was to really get what she was saying. Only after I really listened could I understand what she was trying to say. I kept trying to restate the message as I understood it, until I finally got it right.

Finally, the hardest form of connection, the one that forms the biggest bond, and something I still have lots of trouble doing. Connecting based on differences in paradigms.

[edit] Seperate WorldView:


Yea so this BITCH made out with my boyfriend. I got her back tho... I told all my friends she was a slut and pretty much made sure no one would talk to her.

You really felt it was unnacceptable for her to do that huh?

Well yeah you can't cross me like that. I'll tell you one thing, no one else is gonna think of coming in TEN FEET of my boyfriend after what I did to the slut.

You felt like you had to make an example of her.

Well I mean I guess I went a little overboard. But it's necessary, right?

I don't see it that way.

I mean I guess I shoulda talked to her first. But she touched my BOYFRIEND. I mean what would you have done?

yea you felt like she just crossed the line.

Yea definitley she did. She probably deserved it. What do you think?

I believe that spreading rumors and hurting other people should always be a last resort.

Yeah I guess that's true.


That was just a little excerpt, but you guys get the idea. She had a kill or be killed scarcity mentality. Before she was willing to listen, she had to know that I was not judging her. I tried to understand her point of view, and helped her understand mine when she indicated she was ready to hear it. Notice I only gave my point of view when she asked for it WITHOUT strong emotion attached. This ensured that she would listen instead of getting defensive.

Connecting based on paradigm is the LAST thing you want to do. Everything inside you is telling you that this person is WRONG, that you shouldn't be listening to them, that they're fucked up. However, if you truly try to LISTEN, you can actually LEARN from the differences. You can enhance eachother's reality, and create a mutual understanding of the issues.

Connecting on the differences is SO much more effective than connecting on similarities. Look at the first set of examples, then look at the second set. Which conversations is she more likely to remember. The rhetorical ones where you two are just getting opportunities to talk about yourself, or the deep ones where each of you are trying to learn about the other.

The implications for pickup are obvious. You can work with ANYTHING she gives you to make connections (the more emotionally charged the better.) Instead of just searching for commonalties, you can find something that you completely DISAGREE with and connect with her based on that as well.

You can have really stimulating conversations with the "annoying validation based club whores" by actually trying to understand their paradigm of external validation, and trying to explain to them your own internally validated paradigm when they're ready. "We have nothing in common" no longer should be seen as a reason not to like somebody. It should be seen as an opportunity to learn and grow.

Connect.

Personal tools