Perpetual Disappointment

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Posted by Ozzie on RSD Nation 10-07-2007, 06:12 AM

Since we are little in school we are being measured, big part of it is grades. The grading system accounts for most of the disappointments growing up. At home, we are measured by our parents whether you are “doing good” or “you are a disappointment”. We get a job and it is the same. Boss evaluates us or worst the market place. Religion, etc, in our culture we are being measured and made to feel bad if we don’t “live up to somebody´s expectations”. Our lives are constant struggle “not to disappoint”. We are set up to being measured which in turn sets us up for perpetual disappointment.

Most of our social conditioning comes from this very fact. It is the elusive obvious. We don’t question this system. We just are born into it and grow into it and probably die in it without questioning it or its validity. Most of this measuring is done by people who in turn are being measured..and it goes all the way up or down to infinite.

Then we come to the game. we get into it. and what do we do? Same old measuring.

This is the reason many guys struggle with “outcome orientation”. They can not let go of the “measuring. Bad set/good set, bad night/good night, good opener/bad opener, good/bad performance, good pick up school vs bad pick up school, good advice vs bad advice and the list goes on and on to infinite.

the courage to be imperfect. my best performances on this have been imperfect ones. i came back from gross mistakes or salvaged hopless situations. then results came tumbling down in cascades. i would say that being courageous is defined by how imperfect you can be. how much a risk you are willing to take. how much "measuring" you are willing to fuck up.

On bc it is a constant battle to rescue guys from this measuring mechanisms embedded in the depth of their brains. It is hard to wrap your head around the fact that trial and error is at the heart of pickup. That´s how it is learned. Most guys are terrified to make mistakes. Why. You guessed it right. The measuring system. It haunts them in the back of their head. Makes them feel they need to “improve” constantly to “live up to”. Not good because it destroys the guys natural ability and coolness. It goes against its core of naturalness. The guy is not relaxed so he can not perform properly. His own outcome oriented mind paralizes him. The “need for constant feedback” is at the heart of the measuring system. The need to be “reassured” that he is doing right even when he is doing right. Self confidence is coming from “outside” not from inside where it should.

We have a philosophy of PPT. practice, patience and time.

Practice comes first. Nothing will happen in your game if you don’t practice in the field. No book, dvd, seminar will give you what practicing in the field will give you.

Patience. Without patience practice is bullshit. You will abandon at the first mistake or the second. No patience, practice is useless. You will open a couple of sets and hang by the bar because nothing is happening in your game. no patience leads to inconsistent results. Trial and error is at the heart of building any skill.

Time. You need to allot time to practice. You have to schedule your practice time or you will not practice. Example, I will go out Fridays and Saturdays either rains or shine. You arrange your life accordingly to make this schedule happen.

Then don’t judge results on the basis of good or bad. Don’t go black and white on your practice and your progress. Let go of the idea or the need “to measure” you because it is compulsive. Society induced. you are ok as you are. Progress will happen anyway if you apply ppt philosophy.


[edit] Posts to complement article

Posted by Tyler on RSD Nation at 10-12-2007, 08:41 PM

The article primarily stemmed from bootcamp students, who in the process of constantly "measuring themselves" to the night prior or where they think they SHOULD be, wind up creating a subtle sheen of neediness and outcome dependence to the women they talk to and wind up totally FUCKING their night (sometimes blaming it on the instructor........ which is why we constantly hammer it into them not to do these things).

With women you can't measure it in terms of "success" or failure -- at least, in terms of their responses to you.

You measure it in terms of consistency going out, sticking to the process, etc etc...

Remember that women are not robots or numbers on a screen.... It isn't like a mathematics equation.

Everything about you is ALWAYS coming through... If you're always measuring yourself, there WILL be neediness.

You could be talking to the least attractive girl in the bar, but if you're measuring yourself in terms of her responses then EVEN SHE will blow you off as a chode.

Regardless of perfect bodylanguage... Regardless of having the perfect lines... If you're in your head MEASURING YOURSELF based on the girl's reactions to you whle talking to her, you will come across as uncool/weird/needy etc etc...

That's why it's important to let go of all that.


Tyler


Posted by Ozzie on RSD Nation at 10-13-2007, 02:28 AM

i think tyler can articulate this better than me in english. just to add that you should be process-oriented rather than outcome oriented. how well are you sticking to your game plan, your process rather than the end-product. let´s say you are focusing on closing. let´s go out and try and close everyset. let´s forget about the outcome. let´s just go out and do it over, and over. guaranteed results will take care of themselves if you do this. focus on process not on results of process. it is a thin line. we all walk it. it stems from the idea that "everything looks bad in middle". if you look at a pie in the oven it doesnt look as good as the finished pie. it actually looks bad. same with pick up when you are learning the skill. it doesnt look good but the baking is happening.


Posted by Ozzie on RSD Nation at 10-07-2007, 04:25 PM

  • Originally Posted by Jedi
    Wicked post bruv.
    Yeah, i suffer from the "beating myself up" syndrome a bit. ....

this is one of the side effects of constantly measuring yourself. the other being "comparing ourselves with others". both are game killers.

your mind seems to do this on autopilot. it has been hammered into us by the measuring system over years of exposure so we are not conscious of it anymore.


Posted by Ozzie on RSD Nation at 10-07-2007, 04:35 PM

  • Originally Posted by scarface22
    Awesome post Oz!
    I'm in the middle of reading 'A New Earth' by Eckhart Tolle. He echoes a lot of stuff you wrote about there such as the minds addictive tendency to label, evaluate or relate something to something else.

it is important to notice here that all these behaviours of the mind, labeling, evaluating, measuring are learned behaviours. we didnt have them as children. school and society implanted them into us. they are conditioned behaviours that have become internalized to a point that we can not control them anymore. they are at the core.

my favourite episode of the simpsons is when the school closes down and bart is having a good time but lisa is having an awful time because she needs to be "graded" all the time to feel good about herself. at one point in the episode she explodes and runs the kitchen and yells "mom, please grade me, grade me, i cant stand it anymore". you can see how the system works on the kids until it becomes enbedded.

we forget about it when we grow up. we take it for granted. we dont question it.


Posted by Ozzie on RSD Nation at 10-08-2007, 08:26 AM

  • Originally Posted by Machismo
    Yeah, i recently hooked up with a wing who is WAY better than me, and i found myself observing his game more, and reacting to his game. I suspect i am comparing myself to him.
    Any ideas on how to diminish this?

these days i wear a rubber band in my right wrist... i snap my wrist with it everytime i get sucked into other people´s reality or drama or what have you. when i do this, i send my brain the signal "stop!".

though rudimentary, this simple system works wonders for me. i have experienced more happiness and peace in my life because i dont get sucked in too long into other´s reality as a way of avoiding my own real issues and life. today, i dont snap my wrist so often because the message "dont go into other´s reality" has been internalized and i dont have to snap my wrist anymore. i use the same methods that society uses for control but to bring me more quality of life.

feel free to try it.


Posted by Ozzie on RSD Nation at 10-08-2007, 04:25 PM

  • Originally Posted by Machismo:
    Yeah, i will give it a shot!
    This technque is called 'aversion therapy' i believe. They do it to smokers and self harmers too.

i believe that when you measure yourself you are SELF HARMING or SELF LASHING big time. it is re-enactment of what was done to us in school. instead of the parent or the school we do it to ourselves. we self inflict negative comments that bring us down. it is masochistic in nature. self criticism though it isnot physical, it is masochistic. it is compulsive.

me and jlaix tried the positivity challenge for sometime and everytime i failed even when i was one day away from goal. i racked my brains thinking about why i couldnot stay positive even if i wanted too for a certain period of time. there appeared to be an inbuilt mechanism that would make your self talk change to negative. this compulsive measuring was one of the smoking guns. it turned out i was overly critical of myself, that´s why i could not maintain a positive streak for long.
when you do this challenge many thought loops are exposed about yourself.

i strongly recommend it.

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