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Real Social Dynamics Wiki - The Art of Giving

The Art of Giving

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We talk a lot about giving and taking value. We talk a lot about abstract concepts exchanged between people as if they were tangible items, like socks.

We talk a lot about what we give, and not so much about HOW we give.

You can't really talk about how to give, unless you have something to give. So, let's list some things you can give:

1. Semen 2. Orgasms 3. Time 4. Wisdom 5. Emotions 6. Your Party 7. Money 8. Compassion 9. Empathy 10. Aggression

That's obviously not the list of everything you can give, it's just ten things off the top of my head. Your list may vary. (In fact, I want it to vary, but that's another discussion.)

So you have these things to give and you give them throughout an interaction. Some things are given at the beginning, some are given at the end. Only by actually having an interaction and experiencing it will you know what goes at what time. It's hard to have a keyboard-jockey-esque discussion as if giving were a train schedule. It's not. There's no set rules as to the passage of time. Sorry.

But how you give them dictates not only your inner state, but also how you view others. Let's look at an obvious physical one: Semen.

If I fuck a woman, and climax quickly, and then kick her out of bed and out of my home, that says something about who I am and what I wanted from her. I used her. And while her opinion of me will not change me, my opinion of myself is critical. Ask yourself, am I really that type of person to give ANYTHING so hastily?

How you give something is directly proportional to how you take something. If I rush to bust a load, it means I was quick to want sex. To get it over and done with. If I take my time, it shows I have something invested in the interaction, and that I am not like the chodes who hurry to get into bed.

The more you give, and the more you give openly, the greater you'll be rewarded. You know this. The more you smile, the more you are smiled at in return. The more intense your party is, the better your results are. When you're in a fog, angry and pissed off at the world, the less successful you are. The more closed you are, the more closed you appear.

Closed things cannot give. They can only take. And taking without giving is selfish. It will get you nowhere.

So how do you give? Give whatever you have as though in that one moment, it is the most precious valuable resource you are passing on to someone else. When you hug her, she is receiving your greatest hug. When you CLAW, she is getting your best CLAW, the one you saved for that nymphomaniac supermodel bisexual schoolgirl. Give as though you are putting 110% of yourself into it (because you are) and you will not believe the results.

People connect very deeply when you give in this fashion. Remember Christmas as a child? The more thoughtful gifts are always remembered most fondly. The hasty gifts, you enjoyed, but did they stick out in your mind months later? When you give anything that is perceived as being special, the recipient feels equally as special.

Does it matter what you give? Not specifically. Give everything with such gusto that other people cannot help but be overwhelmed. But, remember, giving too much too quickly will seem insincere, and make them question your creepiness, mental health and general being. Temper your giving with not asking for things in exchange. People are conditioned to believe that if you give something you must want something. The value-taker thrives on this balance. You, being different, don't need anything. Not from them. Anything they give you is a bonus.

If I hug someone, make out with them and take them to my home, I do not demand they sleep with me. It is not a requirement for attending. (The fact that they do generally end up doing so is for another time) They can come over, watch my TV, use my bathroom, raid my fridge and play with the dog. I don't care. I do not require sex from them for my own satisfaction. I give them everything I am freely, I would hope this makes them feel so comfortable that they give sex as freely. (Usually, they do)

I'm not giving them anything I would not normally part with anyway. I'm not paying their bills, doing their work or in some way putting them on a pedestal in an effort to have them validate me. I live in abundance, I have plenty of me to spare. (No fat jokes, thank you very much). In fact, I will even challenge the value-takers to take as much as they want, because I'm not going to run out. I'm internally supplied. The cup of value never runs dry.

Social conditioning has beaten people over their collective heads with the idea of "give and take". If I give you 5 things, I can and should ask for 5 things in return. Quantity over quality.

Let's think about this a minute. If you give me 5 old pennies (quantity) and I give you 1 new nickel (quality), aren't we equal? Give quality over quantity. This blows people's minds when they encounter it. It doesn't seem right. People actually will tell you to take more. Happens to me all the time. I have one night out with a woman, and leave a strong impression. The next weekend, she invites me to her house, cooking me dinner, getting me a treat and treating me royally. The quality of the night I gave her, she is trying to repay me in quantity of things in return. Quality can only match quality. Quantity only matches quantity.

This is why I can sit with a woman and talk to her, feeling as satisfied as if we spent all night at bars. That's quality to me. A great interaction, even if it's only 2 minutes long can be infinitely more rewarding that a dozen interactions of average caliber.

Treat everything you have as quality. You give quality. You cannot give poor value. Give all or give none. Give it all away and watch how much comes back to you.

There is a danger in giving for the wrong reason. When you give of yourself too much, or without boundaries, you're falling back into that trap of neediness.


Because you NEED to give of yourself. You NEED to divest yourself of information. It is another validating pursuit. You're not good enough until you give.


You've seen celebrities adopting babies from foreign countries, right? It would be nice to think that they're truly doing it for the best reason: to raise the child properly. But they're addicted to giving themselves. Addicting to that rush of satisfaction they feel when then act altruistically.

I should know, I'm addicted to it too. To help people is thrilling, and energizes me. But I know that I need to exercise balance, and not give everything away. The quest for selflessness does not mean that I keep nothing. It is entirely possible to be of high value, to give high value to others and still retain things for yourself. I struggle with this everyday.

By giving myself so intensely so regularly, I'm seeking validation. I'm needy. I need people to read and respond. I need that feedback. I need it professionally, I need it personally. I need it spiritually.

It's a whole new ballpark of need.

The knee-jerk reaction is to say "Fine, I'm giving nothing away." but you know that's just as bad if not worse. You have to give something away, you cannot be so selfish as to possess value without offering it.

But balance.....think of your faucet.

When you go to your sink, and you twist the knob for cold water just a little, how much comes out? Just a little. You don't automatically drown in tap water. Because the knob allows you to dispense an amount relevant to what you need.

When you're out in the club, and your nimbus is ballooning and stretching to fill the room, and you're drawing people to that reality, you've got your SSP knob cranked to 25, is that appropriate?

Think it over.

Is it always wise to open the floodgates and overwhelm people? Why are you doing that? To show off? To prove that you can do it?

Just as we talk about having to amp yourself up to make an impression or to kick-start an interaction, we should also talk about easing back on that throttle. It's for your own benefit.

Walk to a girl and go full throttle, no brakes. Watch what happens. She's not going to know how to handle that much of you, being present so quickly. You haven't hooked her and given yourself in manageable portions - you've outright buried her in a tidal wave of you.

How else is she supposed to respond?

Is there anything wrong with living full throttle, no brakes? Not at all. But understand that sometimes, you need to gradually build up to things. Sometimes you need to adjust your pace, your speed, how much of yourself you give at what time.

Would you run up to a woman, naked and aroused, screaming in orgasm? No, because that's far too much you and too little her.

There is a difference between being able and being appropriate. At any moment you're able to fully overwhelm someone. Only at a few moments, the appropriate ones, should you do so.

Ramp towards your goal. Give measured doses, and when appropriate, give fully.

How do you know when you find the right moments? Calibration, balance....each situation is unique and individual. I don't care if 2 seconds and ten feet ago you just talked to a blonde, this brunette, HERE AND NOW is different.

Remember your faucets.

People are conditioned to look for the "because".

When I give you something that you didn't ask for or directly need, what's the first thing you do?

Question why it is I gave it to you.

Why do we do this? Social conditioning. There's no such thing as a free lunch. Everything has a motive. Everyone has an agenda.

These thing are true. Nothing is free. Everyone has an agenda.

But why do you suppose we only see these in negative ways?

Why must the agenda I have involve me asking for something in return? Why can't I enjoy the work I put in to earn something? What's wrong with doing things for the sake of being nice, or because it's the right thing to do?

When you express it that way, people see you as very idealistic, someone who lives impractically, someone who spends more time wishing things were different.

They're wrong.

By actually going out without a self-centered agenda, by giving and only asking for nice things in return, I'm not living in a dream world.

I'm making the real world into my dream world.

When I give, I do so because I want the world (the interaction, the moment, whatever) to be made better because of my action. That's the nature of "my party". Everyone enjoys themselves, everyone has a good time, because I create an atmosphere of genial goodness. The only agenda: honest uplifting fun. Have a good time. Live well, be well.

This is why it's so addictive. I re-wired my head to get "high" on it. It pumps my state. It expands my consciousness. It builds on itself. This is what I'm addicted to, and what I have to constantly monitor so as to let the ego take credit for it. I can't let this go to my head.

While I am the guy who goes around giving value, making life into a nonstop party, I cannot let myself be defined by this, or any other action. I am more than just this one element. Remember that.

I give so that you can take. Not so that I can take in return. I make that girl smile because she needs a smile. I get into her pants without hesitation, because we're all having a good time. It's a snowball of awesome.

I don't need to take to be validated. I may or may not need to give to be validated, I'm still working that out.

I will give more than you take, because I offer so much. I'm not going to run out any time soon, so why not? As long as I don't overwhelm you (see 'Faucets' above) you'll stick around.

If you want to change the world, and yourself, you do have to contribute to that. Do so by giving of yourself, by making yourself the you, you want to be. The world will respond, often subtly, but slowly you can create your dream world in reality.

Give, so that you can receive.

Why should you not give or take? Because you should just BE. To follow the excellent pipe metaphor, you're a conduit for these things to happen. It's not you, you're the bridge connecting points A and B.

Giving and taking are not conscious decisions you need to make in the course of interaction. Don't sit at the bar, look at a woman and say, "I'm going to give value." It's not a switch you toggle. As a sexworthy, centered individual, you should have no control over whether or not value is given. You can only control the amount. It's always going to be given, that's the inevitable drive of it. All you can do is dictate the rate.

Can't I be satisfied without giving or taking, and leaving things as is? I thought a lot about how to answer this. I'm going to lay out all the answers, pick the one that best suits you:

Don't be a leech, sucking off something external for your own benefit.

Don't be a coward, afraid to take action. Be a man.

The action of waiting, the decision to make no decision is no different than taking. Time is still passing, the interaction is still occurring, and without your direct contributions to things, without you giving something to advance your goal, bring your party or create better times, all you are doing is taking what is given. Which means you're taking from her. Interaction requires you both contribute, else it will fail. If you want it to fail, do nothing. If you want to do something with it, take action.

What is the human drive to create or destroy? Why? I love me some meaty questions. Humans by nature, like getting credit for things. This is my car that I bought with money I earned. This is my excellent article on giving, that I wrote because I had a thought.

We are validation-seeking animals. We seek it within ourselves (I am good enough) and we seek it from others (I hope she says she likes me). We hunt for validation in a billion different ways, but we learned a long time ago that if we can do something, display a skill, we get validation faster. And for reasons I cannot fathom, we like things faster. We're always in a hurry.

It is infinitely easier to destroy, and be seen as a destroyer than be seen as a creator. People remember first the conquerors and warlords before they remember the specific men who developed the society being trampled.

It takes no time to destroy, and a lifetime to build. You can AMOG easily. Walk into someone else's interaction, blow up their spot. Snatch that woman from him. Demonstrate that you're aggressive, selfish and destructive. Destruction creates tension. Tension stifles value. It muddies the waters.

How do you feel when you're speaking with someone, and some moron with a popped-collar comes along to drag her away? What you wanted to be remembered for (creating an interaction) has been replaced in the minds of others by his destruction of it. You feel conflicted because you're suddenly vulnerable, hyper-aware that people just watched you bomb. You get angry maybe, hurt, or upset.

When this happens, let it. Yes, let it. Here's why.


Let the moron destroy a thousand interactions. Let him be the vulture, scavenging off your efforts. Let him have your sloppy seconds. You know you have the materials around you to not be affected.

Why lament the loss of one, when you have a near infinite number of other people you can give value to?

It is harder to be known as a guy who gives value than as the guy who takes value. It's an uphill battle. It requires patience. It requires strong inner faith and inner game. But once you do it, once you reach the top of that mountain, you'll be known that way until you choose to change. And I'm guessing you probably won't change so much.

The value you give is in everything you do and say. Some things obviously have more value to give than others, but everything you do, everything that advances you towards the next step, gives value. It validates itself, building upon previous steps towards conclusion.

In this way, in a very abstract way, we can say that even destruction gives value. But to what target? Who benefits from the destruction?

Creation benefits more than myself. Destruction only satisfies me.

If I build a sand castle, and people look at it, I'm giving them value (we're not going to argue that I'm giving sand value, because that's too Buddhist for this hour of the morning). They walk away from that seconds-long interaction made better by my effort.

Now why did I build the sand castle? If I wanted attention (and subsequent validation), I'd build a very large one, complicated with texture and scope. But it's not about the size of the construct. It only matters that I built one in the first place, and that you noticed.

I built that sand castle, I give that value, because I possess the ability to do so, and because it makes me feel good to do so. It improves my life to improve your life.

That is the ultimate in sexworthiness.

I'm not laying all these things out specifically for the intent to charm the thong off some girl. I'm not saying these words, in this way, so she'll blow me. (I know she's going to) I say and do these things because I want more than the sex. Sex is not my reward. Sex is A reward, but I move towards that bigger prize -- happy, awesome people.

I can sit here and give value all day, it is in my power to do so. Just as it is in your power too. We may give value, but differently. Maybe you can't string ten words together in a sentence, but you can kino the shit out of people. Maybe you're the guy who really understands unreactivity. Maybe you're the guy who can hold the attention of large groups. Maybe you're the guy who can dance.

Finding the root of your value, the basis, allows you to constantly tap into it. You'll find that it's endless. Ever have one of those moments? You do something that maybe others struggled with, and you do it again and again, amazing them? And you can't figure out what's so special, because you've done this constantly? You just tapped into your value.

I open my mouth, people take what I say and tell me, "Wow, you totally helped me!" and I look at them and say, "Really? One sentence did that? Well, good, be blessed, go forth and understand."

Once you make the shift from easy destruction and the selfish value absorbed from it to the overall creation of value, you'll look back and say, "Was I really like that?" It will be as though you're seeing another person. Someone entirely different. Someone unrecognizable. Someone you probably wouldn't want to know anyway. Such is the nature of personal transformation.

(Really buddhist moment: When the butterfly moves out of the cocoon, it no longer recognizes it's old self. It is only a butterfly, doing butterfly things.)

How well you give is completely indicative of how comfortable others are giving to you.

Giving is no different than any of the other things we worry about in the Community. If we do it confidently, it is done well. If we hesitate, we come across poorly.

Suppose a man on the street, a stranger, asks you for change. Maybe he's begging. Maybe he just needs change for a cup of coffee. Maybe he wants to pay his hooker in nickels. Would you give it to him? Would you ask him what he needs it for?

How many times do people ask things of you, and you ask the reasoning behind it? I do it constantly. One of my favorite questions is "Why?" This isn't always a good thing. Sometimes they don't know why, or they can't explain it to you adequately, which leaves them frustrated. Sometimes, the why doesn't matter to you.

The why shouldn't matter in order for you to give. The why shouldn't advance some clandestine agenda you have. The why isn't even yours to dictate or understand. The why is for the person receiving.

Does this mean you have no control over giving? Not at all. You, as giver, control the HOW. As in:

HOW much you give HOW you give HOW you feel as you give HOW you feel after you give

If that same guy comes to me asking for change, I may not have the specific coins to give him. But I'll still help him. The how is situational. It's in-the-moment. It must be, because I can only help him in that exact moment.

Suppose I'm at the bar, and there's a attractive woman over there. I'll go and meet her.

What am I giving her? My party. My energy. My conversation. My time. How am I giving it? Calibrated to the moment, raising as needed, until I'm running full throttle.

Do I worry about why she's talking to me? No. It's not important to me. Do I worry about why she might flake later? No, I cannot control the future. Do I worry about why she just said that? No, her speech and mind are hers.

I give a lot of things. I never give control. To give control is to stop giving, and start taking. Giving up control means you're becoming reactive instead of active.

Ponder this.

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